Going through a difficult relationship? Here’s how to work through it...

Author : Dr.Tulika | 19 Sep 2023

Are you going through a rough patch in your relationship? Have disagreements, arguments, and frustrations become a norm with you and your partner? First and foremost, try not to stress! It can make your interactions even harder.

Navigating through couple and marital issues can be challenging. Conflicts are an inevitable part of any couple relationship. Marriage and Family Therapists would call them the stepping stones to building healthy and meaningful marriages. Squabbles and discords provide an opportunity to know each other better and work together as a team to navigate through the crisis. In the words of clinical psychologist Deborah Grody, “married couples who don’t have any conflict are often the ones who end in divorce”.

So, if you are struggling over finances or home chores or kids, remember this is absolutely normal for any two people sharing lives. 

Here are some useful problem-solving strategies to help you mend your relationship rifts. 

Open the room for communication to give expression to the feelings: It is truly important to open up the channels of communication, to be able to express feelings before each other. Ignoring the problem or suppressing your emotions can only lead to greater frustration. A lot of times, things are also said on impulse and in the heat of the moment. All this negativity in tone, volume, and language adversely impacts the course of conversation. So, It is advisable to pick a time and date when you can communicate calmly and rationally, without being too defensive or accusatory. Also, couples may decide upon a day every month when they can clear their differences with each other before they grow out of proportion. 

Listen empathetically to understand other’s points of view: In the midst of a conflict, sitting down calmly and listening to the other person without interruption calls for lots of patience. So, doing this is much harder than it actually seems. But it is the only way to understand their viewpoint and at the same time make them feel heard. Emphatic listening shifts your position from an enemy to a friend in their eyes and makes it easier for you to probe further to seek clarifications. Also, using statements like ‘I understand what you are saying” helps you gain their support in getting to the gist of the matter before working out a resolution.  

Call a timeout to avoid fight escalation: To resolve any conflict, both parties have to be on the same page. But in case of extreme differences, it takes time to arrive at the middle path. A lot of times, disagreements would turn into destructive judgments and escalated fights for not giving enough time and space to the parties involved. In such situations, it is also common for the partners to enter ‘fight, flight or freeze’ mode. The stress hormones drive the person to either fight the other or run from the situation or stop reacting at all and become indifferent. In such scenarios, one needs to call a timeout to give oneself or the other person some space to cool down. This hiatus is necessary if you are looking forward to logical and productive communication later. 

Spend time apart to get a hang of your emotions: At the root of every conflict, is an unmet emotional need. If even after repeated demands, your partner doesn't bother to do laundry, the real issue is not an unfinished household chore, but an underlying unmet emotional need that ‘My partner doesn't value me enough.’ That’s why it becomes imperative to dig deeper into one’s emotions in the event of continuous disagreements. Spending time away from each other gives one a chance to reflect upon oneself. Psychologists suggest that spending time apart, to do your own things is important for developing healthy relationships. If your relationship is already under strain, utilize this time to pursue your hobbies, exercise, or see friends. This will help you untangle your emotions and name the one troubling you. Identifying the correct disturbing emotion helps in arriving at the right solution. 

Use respectful tone, language, and behaviors: When you actually sit down to talk it out, be mindful of your choice of words and body language. Marriage and Family Therapy Experts say that more than the words, it is the harsh tone and volume which takes a conversation downhill. So, every time you talk, check whether your tone is empowering or accusatory. While putting across your point, frame it like a request, not as a complaint. "Would you mind picking up this stuff". sounds much more respectful than saying, "You never pick up the stuff". Your body language should also signify that you are interested and listening to the other person. Hold your eye contact with your partner while talking and lean your body towards them. 

Accept your mistake and apologize if necessary: If you know you have hurt your loved one, there is nothing wrong with accepting your mistake and apologizing for the same. But when you apologize, you have to do it the way they find it right. For some, a simple sorry may do, but others may expect big gestures from you. The idea is to give them what is meaningful and valuable to them. 

Every relationship has its share of ups and downs. But how you manage them is going to decide their success and failure. Most successful couples have devised their own methods of tackling everyday life problems. Seeking marriage and family therapy can provide valuable guidance in overcoming relationship challenges and fostering a healthier family dynamic. Though there is no one size fit all solution. But if you are the kind of person who really wants to make his relationship work, there are definitely some problem-solving strategies that will work the best for you and help you sail through the turbulent waters. 

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